How to Spot a Wicked Witch
by Lisa Telramor
Summary: ...and other fairy tale land survival tips. Just silliness. Written in list form, poking fun at various fairy tales. I have a mostly complete list of what I referenced.


_AN: Well, this hit me the other day. I hope I can give a few laughs. If more come to me I will add them on. For now, this is it. Fairytales mentioned: Frog Prince, Three Little Pigs, Goldilocks, Cinderella, 12 Dancing Princesses, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Bluebeard, The 6 Swans, Pinnochio, Cinderella, Snow White, Puss in Boots, The Thirsty Crow (I think?), How the Puma Got Its Marks (?), The Firebird, Jack and the Beanstalk, Alice in Wonderland(I know, not really a fairytale. But neither is Harry Potter or Wizard of Oz, and they still seemed to fit), Hansel and Gretal, The little Mermaid, Peter Pan, The Gingerbread Boy, Rapunzel, Frosty the Snowman, The Rainbow Fish, Shoemaker and the Elves, Pandora and or a Japanese folk tale whose name I can't remember (the box), The Tinderbox, 1001 Arabian Nights (only a bit), The Golden Goose, Baba Yaga, Little Red Riding Hood, Robin Hood, The Juniper Tree, Tom Thumb/Thumbelina, The Little Match Girl, The Princess and the Pea, The Goose Girl/Boy, AND MANY OTHERS I CAN'T CURRENTLY REMEMBER! _

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><p><strong>How to Spot a Wicked Witch and Other Fairytale Land Survival Tips<strong>

Don't take the apple. They all lead to death anyway.

That kind stranger offering food is most likely a wicked witch.

Be glad to be the youngest of three. You get the brains AND the fortune in the end.

Always double check your guest list. Forget a fairy and she might just curse you.

Spinning wheels should be banned. Just ask Sleeping Beauty.

Don't make promises you aren't prepared to keep. Like marrying someone to get back that gold ball you dropped.

Ovens are a convenient murder weapon—and likely a trap set by cannibals.

Every frog is a prince waiting to happen, so pucker up.

Don't belittle the goose boy/girl. One day they might be royalty.

As every unicorn knows, virginity doesn't just apply to females.

If you have long hair, prepare for it to be used as a rope.

Step mothers are automatically evil and want to see you suffer. Just like step sisters are automatically cruel, ugly, and dumb.

DON'T TAKE THE APPLE!

Every Beast has a man inside. You just have to find him.

If Grandma has big furry ears, run like hell in the other direction.

The pretty bird singing about being murdered and his father eating him isn't actually all that pretty.

If a man has mysteriously lost five previous wives, likely he is a mass murderer and plans to kill you, bride #6, next.

If gods are involved, trouble is soon to follow.

"Blessings" are often a curse in disguise. If a fairy offers, kindly refuse and find some way to distract it before you are coughing up gemstones or something.

Cats are smarter than you think. They can and will trick ogres into killing themselves.

An act of kindness often leads to reward, but be cautious in what you are accepting. More often than not marriage is involved.

Trading that cow for beans is both the smartest and most stupid thing you have ever done in your life. Hopefully you can run fast though.

Peas apparently feel like boulders when placed under a mattress. That, or princesses have something wrong with their nerve endings.

Being born two inches tall is not the misfortune you would think it would be.

Those with the lowliest jobs often get the best reward. So don't stop shoveling that horse manure.

Telling half a story at a time can save your life. Make it convincing since cliff hangers are your life preserver.

Every creature with a spot or a stripe has some horrible mistake in its ancestor's past marking how it got them.

Greed is fine—just be careful not to get too greedy.

If someone tells you not to open the box—don't open the box.

Just because something is labeled "eat me" or "drink me" that does not mean you should do so.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Never ask directions from the Cheshire Cat.

While stealing your shape changing bride's skin might keep her with you, you should really consider that this show of mistrust will only make her hate you.

At the same time, the saying "if you love someone set it free" does not apply. They will always leave you.

If you need to weave shirts from nettles, invest in a sturdy pair of gloves first.

If a girl can't talk and shows up on your doorstep, marry her. Otherwise she'll turn to sea foam.

Red is a stupid color to wear. Think target.

Curiosity leads to a lot more than killing the cat. Like killing you.

Most problems can be avoided if you follow directions.

Not all witches are evil—just like not all fairies are good. Thankfully their appearance usually gives them away.

If you seek the Firebird, take the third road.

Check what type of dragon you are dealing with before charging in. Some are more intelligent than others.

Don't take the golden touch.

The woods is generally a place you should avoid.

Pride will only get you killed. Or eaten. Or both.

If strange voices are in your head, there is a 50% likelihood that you aren't actually crazy. Lucky you, right?

Never trust a wolf. Unless he owes you a debt, then you can bargain.

Keep an axe handy. You never know when you might need it.

Build all your homes with bricks. Trust me on that one.

If you see a house with legs, it probably belongs to a witch.

Giants can smell your country of origin.

Don't kill the golden goose. I mean, what good would that do? Give you golden guts?

Foxes can be bartered with unless you are a gingerbread boy. Then you will probably get eaten because you have a prideful streak a mile long.

Bread crumbs do not make a reliable path. Pebbles on the other hand…

Every prince is a Prince Charming. Sadly you always have to marry him.

Love at first sight is the rule, not the exception.

Don't look at the man behind the curtain. He hates that.

Breaking into someone's home, eating their food, and sleeping in their bed leads to death. Unless you are Snow White. Then you just become their housekeeper.

Thieves usually prosper.

Magic carpets are your friend. Please use with caution.

Remember, it's "Open says me," or "sesame" if you slur it. Not "open Paprika".

Karma's a bitch and always gets her revenge.

Glass is a lot more durable for footwear than you would think.

If the ring fits, it's not likely to come off.

Death? What death? Death is the excuse to get revenge on your killer. And it's usually temporary for the hero anyway.

"Bluebeard" isn't literal. Neither is "blueblood," so these are not sure-proof checks in character.

Not all witches fly brooms. Some ride bicycles.

Wells are made for wishing.

Mice are a lot more than pests. They are the perfect addition to any last minute spell, and quite cleanly in the long run.

Rock beats witch every time.

Princes never have to train to become the next king. They travel the countryside instead, slaying dragons and rescuing maidens… Wait a minute….

Before jumping off a cliff, make sure your carpet/broom/mortar is actually a magical object first.

Fairy dust is not a drug, but to be safe, don't inhale it.

Never offer a mermaid fish dinner. That's as wrong as offering a pig bacon.

Not all mirrors show the present. Some show the future too. And the past. And the what ifs.

Objects in mirror might be closer to reality than they appear.

Setting a bird on fire does not make it a Firebird. Or a phoenix. It will not be reborn from the ashes.

Mating an eagle with a lion is harder than it appears. This tends to be why griffins are so ornery.

A kiss equals marriage so use sparingly. It's a lawful binding.

Puppets can to become real boys.

Kissing cures most all curses and spells. But if all else fails, cut the victim's head off.

If someone gives you the choice between silver and gold, choose silver. They'll think you're less greedy.

If an old woman comes to your door asking for shelter, she is likely a witch. Invite her inside before she curses you.

An old woman, more likely than not, is a witch. If not, she is your grandmother and in danger from wolves. For some reason the ratio of old women as witches and old men as wizards is disproportionate. Old men are usually just old men.

If it doesn't have a reflection, you should probably stay away from it.

People offering food do not have your best interests at heart.

Inanimate objects are not as inanimate as they appear.

Honesty isn't just a virtue; it's a means of survival.

A witch is more likely to use lethal force than a wizard. And more likely to resort to poison.

If you have to cut bits of your foot off to fit the shoe, people will notice.

Animals have a tendency to talk. Just make sure you are polite or they might eat you.

Don't follow the spiders.

Don't look, touch, or taste the apple. Even if it is golden.

If you don't know who your parents are, you are most likely royalty.

Every hat holds a bit of magic. Or a rabbit. Whichever.

Poverty is a blessing in disguise.

Don't give the brownies clothes. If you do you lose your slave labor.

By rule goblins are carnivorous and eat children, so watch out.

If you catch a fish, set it free. And if it offers you a wish, for heaven's sake, don't threaten to kill it.

Skinning a pig won't make him a man. It just makes ham.

Say it with me: I do believe in fairies. Good. Now they'll put their weapons down.

Stealing from the local witch leads to curses and child snatching.

Mundane things are more likely to be cursed than the extraordinary.

The trees do not have eyes, but they can still attack you regardless.

Shifting one pebble at a time can make a difference.

When chopping down a beanstalk holding a giant, be sure not to stand in its trajectory when it falls.

Befriend the giant's wife. She makes delicious cookies.

Gingerbread is a psychological weapon.

Everything in Wonderland contains hallucinogens.

Mirrors are always magical artifacts. And no, not all of them are objectively rating beauty.

Shoes can and will be used as a torture device.

Death by dancing is a possibility.

Being cruel to the hero or heroine only means you have a crappy end coming to you.

Trading your tongue for humanity is a poor trade.

Any man who would marry you while you are still asleep should be immediately divorced.

Witches are soluble in water. They are also highly flammable.

If someone offers to take you to Neverland, make sure it is Peter Pan first.

If you steal from the rich, give to the poor. Then they'll probably hide you when the guards come calling.

Don't confuse fairies with elves. They hate that.

Not all mermaids are beautiful. Many have teeth waiting to rip you apart.

No, gnomes do not wear pointy hats, overalls, and have little white beards. They do like dirt though. Just don't confuse them with dwarves.

Selling matches may lead to hallucinations and death.


End file.
